Stroke of Insight Video - Jill Bolte Taylor

I want to be the Jill Bolte Taylor of Concussions.



This is such a great video featured on Ted.com.


I've learned so much about all angles of the brain. And today was just a great day where I had a lot of great conversation with some of my pharmacy professors - and a lot of talk about my recovery. Funny to hear that they have been talking about me, too!

My neuropharmacology professor, who I did research with a few years ago, had just told my story yesterday apparently. His sister in law was talking about her "type A - I'm going to conquer the world - there is nothing I can't accomplish" son who was just in a car accident... and he looks ok but his life is impossible to resume. I was humbled to hear that he used me as a respectable same-case example. I've completely looked up to him over the seven years I've known him. I must have intuitively known he was thinking about me!

He is actually working on mTBI stuff right now, which is pretty cool. I have some crazy ideas to what might be going on... but obviously have to be studied. If there were anyone on earth to take my thoughts and get the answers - it'd be this man, after publishing his 240th accredited journal article. He has a heart of gold and listens to me try to figure things out without knowing some intricate details about neurotransmitters that would greatly change how they react or affect other neuronal processes.

I believe a lot of the changes that happen in strokes are very similar to what happens when you're hit in the head or have whiplash. In a discussion with my neuropharm professor he mentioned that he's found a lot of chemical changes that occur in the brain after a stroke. He's studied some drugs around it, too. Nothing really speeds up recovery, only a potential for preventing damage. However, nobody thinks they'll have a stroke and nobody thinks they'll get hit in the head! Tough to prepare for something that 'would never happen to you!'

It's a great day today :)

Call for Backup

Tough Boy tip of the day:

1) When things are spiraling, call someone who really won't mind sweeping, dusting, doing laundry, etc.

2) Wear those sunglasses! You're not a solar unit that gains energy when basking in those rays!!

3) Don't ever let your grocery cart look like mine..........

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As you recover - you'll find some more comfort than before, you'll experience a longer 'better day,' maybe have some more better days each month, and you will SLOWLY feel a bigger push to just be you again!

I've felt this push a lot. I know there are things that are better. I would like to say I have more energy. I would like to say I'm closer than ever before - which I am, but I still have a ways to go.

The last few weeks I've been looking around at my apartment and started to realize that my energy is still being completely depleted at the end of each day. I might be completing my assignments (barely) on time. I might be doing more math, I might be a faster reader, I might be having better conversations and feeling like I have more energy to have an educated life again. But in all honesty, and naturally, I have let other things fall by the wayside while my priorities changed.

The order of my apartment is important for me to find things. It's important so I feel I have some structure. It's important so I can recover without losing pieces, defaulting my credit, or getting mice in my house. And often, when things are a DISASTER - I feel less put together myself. My health slips, the care of my skin slips, if I can feed myself comes out when my weight slips, my relationships with friends and family slips, and it was very hard to see it happening until everything looked as if I was now a disaster!

My 'income' right now is coming from my psych program. The energy I have been pummeling into my assignments has been redistributed from the energy I had for self-care. But I had gotten so disorganized... I had to call for backup.

Thank goodness for the people in your life that won't just 'say' "if you need something, call" and then disappoint. Thank goodness for the people who don't question why you need help putting your clean laundry away. Thank goodness for the people who will put your dishes into the dishwasher and press start. Thank goodness for the people who will listen to you verbally vomit about your life and whats on your mind and whats building up and not hold judgement or rumor or make you feel like they don't care.

Thank goodness for my friend, Maria. I've known her since I was about three years old, we lost touch for years when we went to college and recently keep in touch every few months. But she is one of these people. Not many exist.

I've stopped therapy in RI for a little while - I need to put my life back together. Cleaning was just the start. I need the energy to get through my course and do the final project. I need the energy to reapply for accommodations to retake my law exam. I need the energy that was being spent on going home, then going to RI, then coming back... just for a few minutes of LENS therapy. Although, I'm torn. I know I need it. I go there because its too much to start all over. I go there because of my history of them documenting my recovery. And starting over is just so exhausting. But I can come back when I think I can...

I think my energy is increasing. But the level of my functioning is also increasing and eating off any of the extra that I've gained. So I'm only capable of doing X amount of things still. I could do that amount when I had Y amount of energy. But as I recover I have a little more - Y + Z amount of energy. But I'm still only capable of doing X amount of things. So where's Z energy going??

I think I can account Z energy being allotted towards the 'simple' functions that are 'reconnecting' in my brain. I might not be doing more things, but I'm doing things more efficiently. Like my memory. Recognizing faces. Shortcuts. Remembering things I talked about with someone a while ago that relates to a conversation I have today. Being able to follow a conversation and not have to stop and ask what a word means - its understood rather than dwelling on it. But that little detail of remembering a definition without having to look it up, in the flow of a conversation IS IMPROVEMENT! It does take energy though...

SO that's my rant. Call for backup and get back on track!

Happy Spring!

How Strong Can I Be - blog highlight

ResilientHeart writes a ton about her journey through finding resources and struggling to understand her 'new self' following mTBI. Really, it's the fight of her life.

Today, she wrote a beautiful post titled How Strong Can I Be. It wraps up some of the frustration and grief that is often experienced on the road to recovery. Check it out!

Despite the Boston Celtics Loss today, Brian Scalabrine makes my Headlines!

Logo taken from NBA.com in honor of

playoffs beginning for the reigning champs

All Tough Boys can learn a little something from Boston Celtics' Brian Scalabrine's Story:

1) Post-concussion syndrome isn't very understood - but it isn't very fun either.

2) When people are injured, often physical signs are easy to see. With concussions - be honest with yourself and others on how your feeling.

3) You will get better. It can get worse. But it slowly and gradually gets better.

4) Recovery happens. You often can't push it.

5) Your temperament might change. Scalabrine's wife tracks his moods!!

6) Think positive. Even optimists benefit from support!!

7) Go Celtics :)

8) Go Bruins :) [and please be gentle... despite playoffs...]

9) Go Sox :)
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I saw this article about Brian Scalabrine of the Boston Celtics from Boston Herald.com a few days ago and was EXCITED!! I have been curious about Scalabrine's concussion since it happened in February - announcing him BENCHED FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON?!?!!

Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a lot of juice 'upstairs' in my own head for a while to really pay attention to every detail in the sports world... so I didn't go digging for information. I'm still waiting to hear if Lugo, from the Red Sox, might have had some more serious complications from a concussion last season that has led him to being MIA most of this season (in conjunction with other injuries, etc). Of course, I'm still wondering!

With Boston sports playoffs just off the hook in my back yard - and I want SO badly to pay attention to all of it - this article just made me thrilled to hear about Scalabrine finally!!

And well - the verdict - he has PCS. And the prognosis - well, uhhh - wait and see? Time and rest? Here are some quotes I liked from the article:

Can a touch of pain lead to a spiral away from normal living?:

When the symptoms were at their worst, and Scalabrine suffered from repeated headaches and dizziness that interfered with basic comforts like sleeping or reading a book

Coach Doc Rivers said:

“I just wanted him to make sure that he’s being honest with himself. It’s different from other injuries, where you can look at someone like Kevin(Garnett) and tell from his gait how he’s doing. We literally can’t get inside Scal’s head with this.”

Scalabrine input:

“But I feel that one day I’ll consistently get better and better and I won’t have any more of these setbacks. Even coming now and watching the games there’s a couple of symptoms.”

I know exactly what that might be like. I went to a Celtics game in November - near the time of my first Bruins game. I don't remember the second period even though I know I was watching it... in a seat. And I zoned out for the ENTIRE THIRD PERIOD! I was actually just walking around trying to 'calm' myself... or look normal despite trying to avoid people and noise... until my friend texted me "where the hell are you?! you've been gone for 15 minutes!!" Talk about a wake up call... or text! I was all sorts of turned around!

This tough boy has a lot of brain to him. I'm glad he had the sense to even ask his doctors about what 'kind' of concussion he might be dealing with. But more importantly, in the following quote, I can just see what I was like a year ago - scared out of my mind that I lost my brain! Wanting answers and not getting any. Wanting SOMEONE to tell me I was going to be OK... that I was going to get it back... that the pain would get better... the symptoms are 'normal' or probably better stated: "expected." Scalabrine's inquisitions are not far away from those questions that I had - and I really wish I could have worked side by side with the doctors who are "experts." Who are they?? How can I get a job with them?? Are they looking for a pharmacist that has personal experience with concussions?! (and are they willing to let me start working real small hours and build up my endurance?????????)

“You go to the extreme - like there are six football players who had some kind of self-inflicted death, you read about them. I actually brought that up to my doctor, and he said that’s a different kind of concussion from what I have. I don’t have a situation where the brain hit the skull and then swelled.”

Here's a great tip that Brian gave: Bless his wife Kristen's soul for putting up with the man through his mTBI recovery! I bet she could be a spokeswoman for caretakers and family who deal with the worst of the worst!!

Scalabrine:

“My wife is always keeping track of my temperament, seeing that I’m consistent with my temper, and not getting really aggressive because of this. The only thing I really have are the headaches, which I’m slowly getting rid of.”

Mark Murphy concluded his article with the best sentence that should be taken to heart by anyone recovering from post-concussion syndrome... because you might be out of work, but to hell to those who think it's any sort of vacation!

After all, even the most positive thinkers need support.

Somebody get Skalabrine my number - I want him to start running my Tough Boy Initiative on a larger scale!! Hope you feel better soon!!!!! And thank you for being so honest to so many people despite how normal and fantastic you look!!!!!!

Go. Celtics.
Go. Bruins.
and of course... Go. Red. Sox. Yay!!

And as a side note - I was watching both the Sox vs. Orioles and the Bruin vs. Montreal Game 2 tonight with a friend... and although it was a lot to really pay attention... I remember looking at one of the smaller screens showing the hockey game and thinking - Holy COW. I can read the small print. I can see the score. I can SEE the seconds winding down. I can SEE the penalty clock in the corner. I CAN SEE CLEARLY the three white letters of the score bar AND their scores (5-1 by the way ;) haha) But my vision had been so horrible that even 6 months ago it was as if I wasn't wearing glasses and it was fuzzy and I couldn't figure it out. It still gets that way sometimes... but my vision was amazing today :)

NEdream: 1 Concussion: 0
Let the playoffs begin!

Mood Swings Happen

Oh, I'm an angry Tough Girl...

1) Recognize what feelings you've always had before your concussion.

2) Recognize the new mood swings are often precipitated from being overstimulated.
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Ick.

Ugh.

Argh!

What the... uhhhhh... I don't... just... how do... AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

My anxiety has been building all night. I'm not sure why... I'm aware of the thoughts ruminating through my head, but there is honestly NOTHING that has been different or more stressful or anxiety-causing this week that has been more than past weeks.

But this happens sometimes. And all week it's been building. I'm in a "I just want to swear all day" mood. I want to drop F bombs all over the place. I want to tell people to screw off. I want to tell the world that I don't give a hoot about anything they have to say so they might as well shut up. Bother someone who cares.

The ironic thing - is many of these feelings aren't really true. I do care. I do want to know. I do want to have discussions and talk and hang out and yadda... but my anxiety is saying different.

I must have overstimulated myself this week.

I've had a lot of company lately, which I love!!! But I think this wasn't a good week to love it. I have loved it... but at the same time I've been constantly urked by STUPID LITTLE THINGS. Like when I wait for someone who said they're going to show up by 1 am... but I stay up until 4 am waiting for them to get off the night shift - only to wake up at 7 am with a migraine that won't go away for the next 4 days... while you sleep. And then wake up wondering why I'm short tempered and ask you what day it is.... oh... Saturday, for the 12th time. Usually when I've asked for the 4th time... I know I'm having a bad day.

I'm in a Don't F'in Touch Me mood. I'm cuddly by nature... a true female. But this week I cringe at the idea of having a friend over that wants to hug hi and hug by. Don't touch me you slimy, lying, always-crossing-the-line leech! Haha... but they're not slimy or lying... they're my friend that I'm usually leeching onto! What IS going on in my head?!

I have had these types of moody episodes before my accident. I recognize that. Usually they would take part when I hadn't slept because I had 4 exams, 2 presentations, 9 club meetings, 3 nights out with my friends, and a weekend full of working for money... and it would come in the form of dropping things. I would always always drop things.... and it would make me mad, like I could control it. The WORST was when my contacts case would drop into the sink... oooh no it didn't!!!

But this is different. I'm angry at people who have good intentions. I'm angry at people who don't even exist. I'm ruminating over situations that stress me out and I just want to scream about them. I'm having an anxiety attack. I just want to shout several phrases that don't make sense and aren't complete sentences...

I don't even care that.... I just wish I could... I wouldn't even know where to... I'm not even... I can't believe.... if I knew this was.... I don't understand why they.... urrrrgh.

The thing that isn't different, is that I'm probably really tired. Instead of coming from an overloaded schedule, much of this is resulting from an overloaded sensory system. The last few days - regretfully I haven't been outside - have been so bright and sunny. Which I love. But it wears me out and overstimulates my eyes even though I'm still inside with the shades drawn. And its from having a constant migraine all week. It's relentless. I think I have good sleep and then I wake up with a migraine... and all the 'restfulness' goes out the window.

I'm ultra annoyed. I want to sleep. I want to stop hating. I know this isn't normal. I am completely aware that I'm just having an anxiety attack and that it could be from where I was stimulated with neurofeedback last week, could be partly due to being stimulated and not being on a mood stabilizer, could be due to legitimate concerns I have but haven't any reason to be thinking about them right now.

I am very aware that the way I am thinking is not the normal way that I think.

I have this feeling that if I just get up and make myself puke that the world will just get better. It's kind of like if you've had too much tequila and you can't sleep... but if you make yourself puke you'll feel better. I haven't had a drink in a long time - nor am I bulimic - but I feel like puking would somehow cleanse my mind/life of the garbage I'm ruminating over. I know it won't - so I never try it... it's just that internal feeling... and it might be hard to understand.

But I still want to tell people to F off. I want to fight and I want to scream and argue. I want to tell people how stupid they are and suggest ways they could be less stupid in the most demeaning ways possible. All to be spiteful and hurtful. And none of this I really, truly would do... even if given the chance. My blood is boiling and I'm short of breath... and this whole entry might make you think I'm a quack... but its so hard to explain the short-temper that seemingly calm and collected people can develop after having a concussion. Its so hard to even imagine a sweet little girl like me RIPPING APART seemingly caring individuals.

And I did this a lot in the first year of my accident. As I tweaked and reacted and screamed and cursed, I was completely sorry I was doing it... but would never admit it or hold back. Its been a while since I've been this heated.... this angry... this 'I want to tear the world into pieces' annoyed... But it happens. It happens to the best of us.

And I'm truly, truly sorry.

So I hope this post... if anything... just provides an insight into how real these mood swings can be... and how patient and accepting the family and caregivers of newly injured (and possibly those through long-term recoveries) might have to be if they see this kind of attitude in their loved one. Its hard enough on them as it is to knowingly be hurting you and yet not having the energy to hack it out and explain every nuance that's traumatizing their life to you. Try to understand that it usually has nothing to do with you... at least deep down at the root of the problem. And hopefully one day it improves and they apologize.


I just want to cry all over the place. Uggggh but if I hear the garbage truck today I'm going to freaking kill someone. Imbeciles! I need a hug :(

Tough Girl in Fall River, MA

Another Tough Girl makes headlines:

Read about Michelle Pelton here
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After Brain Injury Awareness Month in May, it seems as if their focus on sports concussions is receiving more and more feedback this April. Not to mention, the last few articles I've posted and read about have moved from the VERY west coast and slowly over to my home state.

The Fall River, MA Herald does their part highlighting a story of a high school girl who suffered her fair share of concussions through sports. The great thing is her devotion to sports after not being able to play anymore. She's truly a gift as an advocate to the concussion world. She is a perfect example of someone who has been dealt a difficult hand but has been passionate about educating others while recovering.

Great job, Michelle! Thanks for sharing your story!!

High School Tough Boys

An article from Cumberland County, PA introduces another Tough Boy:

Read about Kyle Chester Here

Read about Corey Bischof Here

football dude taken from graphicsfactory.com
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The Story of Kyle Chester
I stumbled on another article highlighting concussions today. In Pennsylvania, Kyle Chester was one of those tough boy kids who just wanted to play football. The article describes exactly what I mean by "Tough Boy," quoting Kyle:

“Most kids say, ‘I’m fine,’ and want to play to impress dad, coaches or a girlfriend,” he said, calling it an adrenaline rush. “That’s all I wanted to do was play.”

As unfortunate as Kyle's situation has become I congratulate him for standing up in the face of concussions! Thanks for getting your story out there!!


The Loss of Corey Bischof
An additional story from Cumberland County, PA creating awareness of how personality changes, thought to have occurred from concussions, can be devastating to families. Depression resulting in a teen suicide.


ImPACT testing
Article mentions the testing that has been adopted at the Cumberland Valley High (and I've read of other states that have adopted this same testing for high school sports).

As part of this initiative, each athlete in grades seven through 12 undergoes a neuropsychological assessment through the program. The test provides an objective measurement of attention span, working memory, sustained attention, reaction time, response variability, visual and verbal memory, selective and non-verbal program solving to establish a baseline assessment.

Baseline retests are given in ninth and 11th grades.

If a sports-related concussion should occur during the season, the athlete is retested with ImPACT. Those results are compared to the baseline, which assists the medical staff in making return-to-play decisions.

It's saddening to learn of a loss at such a young age. Grateful, however, that Corey's story is being shared during such a vulnerable time to learn about concussions. I send my blessings to his family.

My Two Cents today
If I find any other examples, I'll post them along! I think I read somewhere that NJ Brain Injury Association agreed to pay for half of the tests in their high schools - but I forget where I saw it... But how valuable could this be? Imagine how different our communities might be if we invested in better brain protection early on like this?

However, brain injuries have been happening for years to all sorts of people. And the great thing, is that you can recover. It just takes some time. And it's frustrating. It's painful. It is very hard to leave the "old you" and recognize the new directions that you need to move in. It is very hard to assume a new path, accept the losses, and become one of the many people in this world who has shaped their life much differently than where they originally thought they could go.

But you do keep going, somehow. It is possible. Recovery is difficult but possible.

The Intelligence of Our Future resides in the Brains of Our Kids

I know I have a reader from WA stop in once in a while... Well, here's a great article adding to the awareness of concussions in sports straight from Issaquah, WA.

The seriousness of concussions are becoming known in sports... and not just any sports - the ones you see the next generation playing!! Think Little League baseball and Pop Warner football. As exciting as these sports can be for the little guys going out and giving it their all, this quote from the article pretty much sums it up for me:

The trouble is, students aren’t as careful as they need to be, said Cheryl Reed, head athletic trainer and sports medicine instructor at Skyline High School. Trainers and coaches have to be vigilant because some students won’t admit they’ve suffered a concussion, she said.

“They want to keep playing, so they don’t tell anyone that they’ve got a headache,” she said. “They just don’t have the maturity to say, ‘Hey, is this really worth brain damage?’”

Just a little awareness for your thoughts :)

I'm completely exhausted today..........

Iraq Veterans and Migraines from TBI

I don't know how legit ScienceDaily.com really is. I find some of the small articles here more enjoyable and thought-provoking than actually credible information. There's a lot of advertising around and Ads by Google... But then again, I haven't looked into the whether the information is coming from something legit either, and it very well could be??

But here is some food for thought on how imporant the Veterans from Iraq will be in developing an urgency to learn about mild traumatic brain injuries.

Enjoy the exerpt from ScienceDaily


Even though some of my posts aren't very influential these days... I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging what I find right away. The more I let build up... the more anxious I get... the more of a failure I feel like... and I know it's just all in my head. Bare with me!

Boston Children's Hospital Brain Injury Program

Play Ball Tough Boy!!
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It's Red Sox Opening Day!!!!!!!!!!!
So hence the Fenway Park photo that I took last April 9, 2008 - a few games into the season last year. However, I had no clue it was one of the first games because I didn't know anything that was going on, in any situation, at any time...

I even caught a foul ball, too... but I was soooooooooo out of it! And every time I would stand up to cheer... I would lose my eye sight or almost pass out. Ugh! The music was too loud, there were too many people around, the lights were bright... my favorite place to be was now becoming a place I'd have to avoid for a little while...

Needless to say, I'm ready for the new Season!!!!!! I really really hope to be able to catch some more games than I was able to last year. And I really hope that I can enjoy them and 'be there' instead of zoning out, getting a migraine, or just forgetting where I am or what's going on.


Anyway - while watching the opening day ceremony, I've been getting more and more excited!! And then the game is ready to start!!!! They go to quick commercials before starting up....

The first commercial: Children's Hospital talking about their Brain Injury Program

I didn't know they had one??? Well, I'm sure they did... but holy smokes!! Way to advertise on NESN!! And if you click the link I provided, you can see the little commercial they made with the Bruin's Patrice Bergeron!

Just another reminder to kids, don't be a Tough Boy... protect your brain. It's the only one you've got. Wear a helmet! And spread the word!!

This is the link to the actual Children's Hospital Brain Injury Program page - the above one is the link on NESN w/the commercial.

YAY!!! GO. RED. SOX!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!

Some of the Toughest Boys Play Hockey

Check this article out, Tough Boy:

National Hockey League players and Concussions
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I have saved a ton of little articles that I have always 'meant to post,' but never 'got to.' I'm just posting this because I found it (back in OCTOBER!! eek!) interesting and it relates to my Tough Boy Initiative - and provides a perfect example of what researchers are just learning about the impact of concussions on those who sustain MANY of them... what better place to start than Professional Hockey??

Wow... what a run on sentence... :(

Bruins Final Score 11.13.08

My First Live Bruins Game!

I went to my first Bruins game in November. I 'zoned out' a little bit throughout the game... but over all I really enjoyed it. I was initially afraid that I would cringe every time they body slammed each other into the walls. I felt like I would constantly be concerned about concussions and constantly urked (spelling??) to think of what could possibly be happening to their brain each time.

I have to admit that I actually really enjoyed that part. When I work and save enough money - I want season tickets. I can see why its not an initial concern while cheering for your local (awesome awesome awesome) team. As much as I felt guilty for enjoying that part, I can see how the sport could have less fan involvement (?? not sure if that's what I mean or how to say it...) if the contact didn't exist while fighting for the puck.

This is a good article that was written October 21, 2008 (very recent!) on summarizing data pulled from a long study involving hockey players and how they've been impacted by concussions - without realizing it. An example of what was found quoted from the article:

Thirty percent of NHL players diagnosed with concussions have normal physical readings but abnormal neuropsychological testing scores.

I want the data from other sports... NFL, MLB, NBA... bring it on!! I know they're all tough boys and do very well sucking up the pain and dizziness to get back on the ice... but I need more data to assess how to change it! After all, that's my initiative. To protect, serve, advocate, and educate to and for all the tough boy's out there in the world!

Go. Bruins. Yay!

Depression and Healing

Just Checkin on you Tough Boy:

Are you being good to yourself??
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Yeah - it's 3 am EST. I'm trying to find an article that I can use for my online Psychology discussion... which was due at 2 am :( Thankfully, I think if I have it in by 4 or 5 am... it'll still be considered 'on time?' Maybe... maybe not.

In my search, I came across this little article that had me asking some questions again (completely ADHDing away from what I'm supposed to be doing...).

It's a little heavy on the pharmacy talk - but in layman, Dr. Hedaya is stating some parallel studies that related the incidence/severity of a patient's depression to the condition of whatever inflammatory or infection-like problems that had.

I definitely agree that healing won't occur when your body (or brain!) is in a protective, please-don't-hurt-me-again mode. As for validity of the studies Dr. Hedaya is referring to, I'm a little skeptical but haven't seen them!

I wouldn't go treating everyone with Advil or Motrin to heal anything... but being good to your body will help your body repair. Go for a walk, call a close friend, have a laugh, watch a good movie, smile. Remove that stress!

I know, I know... its easier said than done! (and if it needs to be said - I wouldn't recommend anyone going to ask their doctor for a tumor necrosis factor inhibiting drug mainly for initial treatment of their depression... but if you've got other stuff goin on that warrants it, by all means...).