I just... ugh

I feel incredibly stagnant.

I have felt like I just need a door to open somewhere. Somewhere, just a crack, I’ll kick it all the way open myself. I need a J.O.B. I need one A.S.A.P. I need something promising to happen to me. I give and give and pray and put in a lot of effort towards wishing other people well, sometimes I just wallow a bit and wonder, “ok, I really am happy and all, but what about me?! When may I expect something back, when will it be my turn to receive?!” So when I feel like this, I resort to the only logical thing – giving more.

I passed my law exam and finally got my pharmacist license. [Uh, now what?] I finished the makeup homework from my course that I almost failed. And promptly, I was down for the count. Three endless weeks of trying to sleep, tending to migraines, and doing my best to hope it’ll pass sooner than later. Four days of no sleep followed by three days of incapacitated migraine, then a few hours of rest only to battle a constant burden of being uncomfortable. And I think the streak ended yesterday. So I’m writing.

The little time in between this battling, I was redirecting my attention back to what matters most to me. People. I have an extraordinary amount of love to give and I have an immeasurable amount of compassion for people. I would try my best to spend one-on-one time with some of my friends. It tires me out a bunch but it is honestly the best investment of my time when I’m not able to do much else. Not only am I giving my individual attention to them and sharing my woes intimately with them, I am keeping myself connected.

I luckily spoke with my friend from high school – who I have always admired since high school band. I read her blog daily and am so amazed that I never knew how incredible she was at writing. I asked her how she gets the energy to remind her self to write every day, and she said “it’s what I’m passionate about.” How did I not know this? I have been passionate about writing since I could hold a crayon and squiggle!

I never want to comment on her blog, because I don’t want to link my blog to it and thus pull the curtain off my anonymity. It’s important that I have a place to talk about my struggles in an uncensored and candid forum. However, I shared my blog with her because she is so candid with her life and I have utmost respect for her passion. I comment on her facebook instead, or tell her through a private message what I thought about her writing. And after talking with her two nights ago, she said something completely profound to me: Start writing again.

Well, I do… and sometimes all the time. But about things that are trivial – like mommy issues or why I find all boys to be duds and how to break up with them without breaking their hearts. Things that ruminate in my head that I don’t really care about but I pay mind because it feels like these things need to be settled and dealt with to be cast aside. However, I don’t think writing about these things to deal with the ‘here and now’ stuff is moving me in any direction – but when I read about concussions and reasons why LENS helps my vision and why my resting heart rate is consistently at 130… I want to move forward, I want to find a way to be creative and announce it to the world and to educate and inspire. I want to be the genius I used to be and I want the endurance to be that genius at all hours of the day without getting tired or falling short to a migraine.

I am three weeks behind on my homework – yes, after finally getting caught up I went down for the count! I am eleven assignments behind. ELEVEN. But nobody’s dead yet. And I think I just needed to find something to write about. I needed to find a little fire. I needed to read about what I’m passionate about; to get excited about solving the mystery of concussions and brain injuries and the desire to teach the world and make it a better place. So I’m incredibly behind and I’m feeling absolutely stagnant, but I needed to write.

Thanks, C. You’ve done more than you can imagine. More than most. Although, I can’t promise everything will now be hunky-dory.

I am Finally

A Registered Pharmacist in MA!!! I passed my law exam and was issued my license on 9-9-09 :) Thank Goodness!! This is a MAJOR milestone for me. I can now begin looking for legit jobs... however, as big of a milestone as it is, it may still be a while until I'm actually working again. But regardless, this is HUGE!

I'm trying to get caught up with all my school work. After this month, hopefully I'll be in a groove where I can come by and begin putting some more helpful tools and suggestions here. Slowly but surely, it'll happen.

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers. I hope those who come by and leave a note know how much I appreciate it. I think of you often and hope you've all been making some strides towards comfort in your recoveries, too.

Rollercoaster... can we have more coast and less roller, please?

Sorry for the two month hiatus, lets see if I can explain. To make it easy (for you or me?)... or possibly to add a little dimension and fun to this post (again, for you or me?)... we'll try a list format!

June 1: Started two classes - Lifespan development and History of Psychology
Way too much work for me to accomplish
Work submitted is A+ ... yay!
Work submitted late is 0 ... boo!
Work not submitted is 0 ... boo boo!
Played 'Ketchup' all three months
Ended Lifespan course with a 76%... a C... and I'm thankful.
I took Lifespan 4 years ago and ended with an A
Ended History with a 43%
Did not complete 7 assignments, one being a 10 page paper worth 40%
Talked to financial aid
Talked to Advising
Talked to disability
Talked to professor
Everything will be ok
Take out the 7 missed assignments, I had an A
Prof gave me an incomplete and until Oct 5 to complete these assignments
Yay!
Enrolling in only ONE course for next quarter
I found a shadow in my shower, in the shape of a heart
...what else???...

Scrapping down after running out of money
Down to 98 pounds... so much for trying to stay around 107
Explored my attachment style in one of my papers - I have mommy issues
Explored my personality in another paper - I'm pretty cool
Still going to RI once every two weeks to get LENS
Started a medication that my neurologist could lose his license over if audited
First 13 days, I didn't have a migraine - just a few faint headaches
That's a miracle
Last month wasn't so bad other than the stress of incomplete school work
Needed to schedule an appt with vocation rehab... like 3 months ago??
Saved all my bday money to retake my Law exam to be licensed
$75, finally
Hadn't heard about my app for 6 weeks, so I called
$75 was the processing fee
I needed $185 for the actual exam - seriously?
If I can't figure that out, I shouldn't be allowed to take it
Needed a job to make money to take exam
Needed to take and pass exam to get a job
Uh? Anything wrong with the past two statements?
Less eating = more money = money for exam
Taking law exam Sept 3rd... prayers accepted in any form

I saw the fireworks on July 4th over the Charles in Boston
... I know there's more??...
My apartment's a mess
I became pretty isolated for a little while to figure out school and exam
Was pretty apathetic about anything or anyone else's life, or new house, or new car
When I'm upset... I look happy and smiley... don't you worry!
I gave up in trying to save the world for now
I need to belong to an institution to get a grant
My school doesn't have a place for me
I applied to some jobs and its competitive and I don't have my law exam yet
I applied to a couple small jobs, and I'm overqualified
I asked around hoping someone would want to do research with me and they don't care
So I'll wait until I'm in a better place w people to support research
Whatever
I tried sushi for the first time courtesy of my friend Caleb from HS, who's now a cook

... anything fun??...
I went to a bachelorette party with my highschool girls
We had glow bracelets
Every guy asks to have one
My response "what will I get out of giving you one?"
No wonder I can't find a relationship
Their reply "... fill in blank here..."
Which translates "I won't follow through on anything... I should get one for free"
I no longer have patience for "You like to give and I like to take"
I'm absolutely bitter
My girls met guys and blew off the cab I found, but I had no money to pay
He wouldn't let me walk 45 minutes home
Drove me for free while I cried hysterically in public for the first time
Gave all four glow bracelets to the cab driver for his daughters
He deserved so much more than glow bracelets
Still shamelessly humbled by the generosity of a stranger without much to give

...ummm, anything else?...
Maybe that I'm really sorry
This blog hasn't been what I had intended
And still hope for
my Tough Boy Initiative hasn't been ground breaking for anyone
And certainly won't get me a gig public speaking around the world about this
Which I would love to do

Coincidences

For my birthday, I cruised Barnes and Noble. Being around books and reading 20 or so pages from any book in there is my way to relax when my migraines aren't subsiding or my nerves won't calm down. Seeing as I hadn't slept in days and needed to catch up on all my homework that I fell behind on... I went to calm down in the book store.

I came across a book by Robert Moss, which I bought as my bday gift :) It's called The Three "Only" Things: Tapping the Power of Dreams, Coincidence, and Imagination

In the 20 pages I read before deciding to buy it, I read all about instances of coincidence. Some might think this is a little hokey-poky... and I respect that. But if I could tell you some of the things that have been going on since my accident that are just way too perfectly timed to be just a coincidence - you might think differently.

These past two or three weeks alone, I have had some of the most BIZARRE coincidences. Including having a friend from 2005 whom I met during a week long Habitat for Humanity build (in TX) find me on a networking site... the coincidence is that I had completely been thinking about my trip out there and thinking about how I wish I hadn't lost touch while clearing out the numbers in my cellphone DAYS before he found me.

Another was spotting a book that caught my eye - went over and turns out it is EXACTLY who I need to teach me a ton of things that will help me 'change the world' with my research. The coincidences: first page I started to read announced that her therapist shared my lovely first name; it discusses the exact things I had just stumbled on that day and needed more info on; and in one chapter she talked about her summer vacations - IN MY HOMETOWN?! huh??

Last example I'll throw out there. I was trying to find an objective measure for my research on June 25th - found something that might work... might not be it... looking around the cite to see where they're located? Totally came across a convention they were showing this $5,000 machine at: where else but in Boston, at the nursing convention that was held... dun dun dun... June 25th and 26th. (and I still didn't make it down there...)

So the last three days I've been thinking of someone who I held very close to me for many years in college. A few nights ago, I had the best dream reliving some of the time I spent with this person. I haven't felt so comforted and safe in a long time... it was a really great dream where I just couldn't stop smiling and didn't want to wake up. But I have no idea what made me think of this person. Made me miss them, though. A ton. These coincidences lately have made me also paranoid (haha!) I'm going to run into them and not be able to see them because my vision stinks... or I'd actually see them again or hear from them and not know what to say... or they wouldn't recognize me... or it would hurt all over again.

But nothing yet, and maybe I'm just freaking myself out :) hehe With all honesty, though, I'd love to hear from them more than anything these past few days. Or at least send some good Karma their way :)

I'm About to Change the World

What this little Tough Girl (aka: ME!) needs:

1) Research Funding

2) Objective measure of variables of interest that will bring medicine and neuropsychology together

3) Participants with verified symptoms of interest from a recognized diagnosis

4) Connections to the NHL/MLB/NFL/Army to test some participants who have sustained obvious concussions


So how do you feel about that??

---------------------------------------------------------

I'm on to something big. Actually, no. Correction: I'm on to something GINORMOUS. (yes, that's a real word as of the 2007 copyright of Merriam-Webster's Dictionary).

I've put together a ton of information. I just haven't been able to put it into a concise readable document yet. I have support from a few professors and even my neuropsychologist that thinks I have a legit clinical trial on my hands... and will train me on his equipment to do the work... Phew!

Also, my neuropharm advisor thinks I'm on to something he hasn't been considering in his mTBI research. And I think he's going to let me do some work in his lab to prove a connection between certain variables and how it affects learning and memory. But that isn't working with people, it's working with Murine rats.

Over my recovery, I would have more and more times where I would feel this brilliant. But it would only last a day... once every two months. I call them EUREKA moments!! In essence, I feel like I could cure cancer. And not because I'm manic and having grandiose delusions, but because I'm legitimately wicked smaht.

This Eureka moment has been going on for about a month. Straight. Well, with a few days of exhaustion in between.

I've fallen extremely behind on my psychology classes. As of June 1st, my work load tripled. I'm at the point where I could probably sustain a job of SOME sort (wooo!!) but I want my energy to be pumped into this research. I think I could change the world this this. But it's got to be pro bono because I'm not really associated on a payroll with anyone who would be open to these kinds of new projects.

But I'm completely running on fumes in my financial realm (after maxing out both my credit cards and being denied further credit). But I don't want to just give someone else the idea - because there are so many intricate details that not only relate to psychology, but will pull in neurologist and pharmacy and the healthcare community could begin to see (and fucking believe!!...'scuz the swear) the problems going on in brain injuries that have NO MEDICALLY OBJECTIVE EVIDENCE. I don't want anything to be missed and not considered.

I want to cater to people who are working their hardest to do just as much as they can do and are frustrated. I want to cater to people who look so great. I want to do this for people who are told there's nothing wrong with them and they need to "lower their standards for themselves and the doctor's who are treating them." I want to give them the data that proves that the doctor's actually shouldn't be lowering their own standards because they are working with a patient that is extremely smart.

I just want to help people feel better. And it's coming together. I just have a few more steps to go.

I'm about to change the world. But I still need a little help... If you have any ideas - let me know!!!! PLEASE!!! Even your supportive prayers will be heard :) and thank you in advance!!

Some Fantastic Articles Involving mTBI

One thing that I really like about all the 'new' data being published about concussions... it spans a really broad area of health care. From rehab, to neurology, to psychology, and also on the molecular level. And I love the molecular level.

Understanding the nicks and knacks of different proteins and hormones and cytokine or prostanglandin mechanisms and pathways... there's so much to know. There's so much that is unexplored!


Here are a few articles discussing the Tau protein found to accumulate and be part of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE). CTE has been found in post-mortem brains which were subject to multiple concussions throughout a lifetime. In particular, from football players.


This is an EXCELLENT article written Mark Kram for the Philadelphia Daily News:
Deadly Aftershocks


Here's a pretty awesome picture showing the differences in a 61-yr old brain that hasn't experienced concussion in comparison to two 45-yr old brains (from the men in the story above) who experienced multiple concussions. This is to show you the damage caused by the tau protein they're talking about. (I haven't figured out how to get it to show as a picture instead of just a link... sorry!)
Click here for picture!


In addition, the daily news reports NFL concussion management standards, outlined recently - May 2007:
Special report: Deadly aftershocks: NFL concussion management

They're interested in protecting players from being Tough Boys...

The NFL will establish a "whistle blower" system so that anyone may anonymously report any incident in which a doctor is pressured to return a player to play from a concussion or that a player with a concussion is pressured to play.

Keith Primeau, who played for the Philadelphia Flyers Hockey talks about his experience with post concussion symptoms on the USAToday site:
Former NHL star Primeau warns of concussion risks, by Janice Lloyd

He's among the athletes who have agreed to help the Sports Legacy Institute and pledged their brains after they die to the Center for Study of Traumatic Encephalopathy at Boston University.


To move North a little. Dr. Michael Cusimano, a neurosurgeon in Toronto, did a little digging among hockey staffing and young players. United Press International (UPI) had a quick summary of it here: Many in hockey don't understand concussion

The study, published in the Canadian Journal of Neurological Sciences, found:

-- Up to two-thirds of players had the mistaken impression a player must lose consciousness to have suffered a concussion.

-- One-quarter of adults and up to half of children could not identify any symptoms of a concussion or could name only one symptom of a concussion.

-- About one-half of players and one-fifth of adults mistakenly believed concussions are treated with medication or physical therapy.

-- About one-quarter of all players did not know if an athlete experiencing symptoms of a concussion should continue playing (they shouldn't).

Just a little reading I thought I'd share.
Beautiful day out today! Wish I could enjoy it all day! (but I got a few good spurts of enjoyment out of it!)

Twitter

I joined twitter.

http://twitter.com/NEdream26

Why?

Because it is quick. When I sign in to write - there's so much I want to write. So I either A) Write a ton!, or B) Don't write.

Also, people ask me quite often, "so what's your average day like?" Or, "how often do you get migraines?" To be honest, all my energy was taken away from jotting on my calendar in the kitchen and put towards my school work. I stopped keeping track. So if I'm not sleeping that night, and I'm up with a migraine (not because anyone who wants to 'follow' me will care)... its a quick thing I can jot down. And every so once in a while, I'm tempted to say, "I don't think I've had a migraine all month..." but in reality I was asked on a day I didn't have one and probably just don't remember it.

Quick. We'll see if it's actually more or less work. We'll see if it becomes just one more thing to do or if it actually is a faster, less involved way for me to keep a journal of my recovery.

Sorry I've been busy and overwhelmed and trying to get a life going... I haven't reported much! But you can find me on Twitter! http://twitter.com/NEdream26

The updates should come up on the right side bar where all the information links are... if I did it right??

Hope you're all well!!