I'm About to Change the World

What this little Tough Girl (aka: ME!) needs:

1) Research Funding

2) Objective measure of variables of interest that will bring medicine and neuropsychology together

3) Participants with verified symptoms of interest from a recognized diagnosis

4) Connections to the NHL/MLB/NFL/Army to test some participants who have sustained obvious concussions


So how do you feel about that??

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I'm on to something big. Actually, no. Correction: I'm on to something GINORMOUS. (yes, that's a real word as of the 2007 copyright of Merriam-Webster's Dictionary).

I've put together a ton of information. I just haven't been able to put it into a concise readable document yet. I have support from a few professors and even my neuropsychologist that thinks I have a legit clinical trial on my hands... and will train me on his equipment to do the work... Phew!

Also, my neuropharm advisor thinks I'm on to something he hasn't been considering in his mTBI research. And I think he's going to let me do some work in his lab to prove a connection between certain variables and how it affects learning and memory. But that isn't working with people, it's working with Murine rats.

Over my recovery, I would have more and more times where I would feel this brilliant. But it would only last a day... once every two months. I call them EUREKA moments!! In essence, I feel like I could cure cancer. And not because I'm manic and having grandiose delusions, but because I'm legitimately wicked smaht.

This Eureka moment has been going on for about a month. Straight. Well, with a few days of exhaustion in between.

I've fallen extremely behind on my psychology classes. As of June 1st, my work load tripled. I'm at the point where I could probably sustain a job of SOME sort (wooo!!) but I want my energy to be pumped into this research. I think I could change the world this this. But it's got to be pro bono because I'm not really associated on a payroll with anyone who would be open to these kinds of new projects.

But I'm completely running on fumes in my financial realm (after maxing out both my credit cards and being denied further credit). But I don't want to just give someone else the idea - because there are so many intricate details that not only relate to psychology, but will pull in neurologist and pharmacy and the healthcare community could begin to see (and fucking believe!!...'scuz the swear) the problems going on in brain injuries that have NO MEDICALLY OBJECTIVE EVIDENCE. I don't want anything to be missed and not considered.

I want to cater to people who are working their hardest to do just as much as they can do and are frustrated. I want to cater to people who look so great. I want to do this for people who are told there's nothing wrong with them and they need to "lower their standards for themselves and the doctor's who are treating them." I want to give them the data that proves that the doctor's actually shouldn't be lowering their own standards because they are working with a patient that is extremely smart.

I just want to help people feel better. And it's coming together. I just have a few more steps to go.

I'm about to change the world. But I still need a little help... If you have any ideas - let me know!!!! PLEASE!!! Even your supportive prayers will be heard :) and thank you in advance!!

Stroke of Insight Video - Jill Bolte Taylor

I want to be the Jill Bolte Taylor of Concussions.



This is such a great video featured on Ted.com.


I've learned so much about all angles of the brain. And today was just a great day where I had a lot of great conversation with some of my pharmacy professors - and a lot of talk about my recovery. Funny to hear that they have been talking about me, too!

My neuropharmacology professor, who I did research with a few years ago, had just told my story yesterday apparently. His sister in law was talking about her "type A - I'm going to conquer the world - there is nothing I can't accomplish" son who was just in a car accident... and he looks ok but his life is impossible to resume. I was humbled to hear that he used me as a respectable same-case example. I've completely looked up to him over the seven years I've known him. I must have intuitively known he was thinking about me!

He is actually working on mTBI stuff right now, which is pretty cool. I have some crazy ideas to what might be going on... but obviously have to be studied. If there were anyone on earth to take my thoughts and get the answers - it'd be this man, after publishing his 240th accredited journal article. He has a heart of gold and listens to me try to figure things out without knowing some intricate details about neurotransmitters that would greatly change how they react or affect other neuronal processes.

I believe a lot of the changes that happen in strokes are very similar to what happens when you're hit in the head or have whiplash. In a discussion with my neuropharm professor he mentioned that he's found a lot of chemical changes that occur in the brain after a stroke. He's studied some drugs around it, too. Nothing really speeds up recovery, only a potential for preventing damage. However, nobody thinks they'll have a stroke and nobody thinks they'll get hit in the head! Tough to prepare for something that 'would never happen to you!'

It's a great day today :)

Some of the Toughest Boys Play Hockey

Check this article out, Tough Boy:

National Hockey League players and Concussions
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I have saved a ton of little articles that I have always 'meant to post,' but never 'got to.' I'm just posting this because I found it (back in OCTOBER!! eek!) interesting and it relates to my Tough Boy Initiative - and provides a perfect example of what researchers are just learning about the impact of concussions on those who sustain MANY of them... what better place to start than Professional Hockey??

Wow... what a run on sentence... :(

Bruins Final Score 11.13.08

My First Live Bruins Game!

I went to my first Bruins game in November. I 'zoned out' a little bit throughout the game... but over all I really enjoyed it. I was initially afraid that I would cringe every time they body slammed each other into the walls. I felt like I would constantly be concerned about concussions and constantly urked (spelling??) to think of what could possibly be happening to their brain each time.

I have to admit that I actually really enjoyed that part. When I work and save enough money - I want season tickets. I can see why its not an initial concern while cheering for your local (awesome awesome awesome) team. As much as I felt guilty for enjoying that part, I can see how the sport could have less fan involvement (?? not sure if that's what I mean or how to say it...) if the contact didn't exist while fighting for the puck.

This is a good article that was written October 21, 2008 (very recent!) on summarizing data pulled from a long study involving hockey players and how they've been impacted by concussions - without realizing it. An example of what was found quoted from the article:

Thirty percent of NHL players diagnosed with concussions have normal physical readings but abnormal neuropsychological testing scores.

I want the data from other sports... NFL, MLB, NBA... bring it on!! I know they're all tough boys and do very well sucking up the pain and dizziness to get back on the ice... but I need more data to assess how to change it! After all, that's my initiative. To protect, serve, advocate, and educate to and for all the tough boy's out there in the world!

Go. Bruins. Yay!

Good News :)

After 16 months of recovery and a ton of re-learning... I took the national pharmacy boards (NAPLEX) and the law exam required for licensure as a pharmacist. Today I got the letter that I PASSED THE NAPLEX!!! YAY!!

I failed the law though...

But I passed the big one!!!

At the rate I have had to re-learn my vocabulary, my spelling, my reading, my writing, my addition and multiplication tables... the information was difficult to 'get through,' but six years of pharmacy school was coming back just as slowly. The great thing is that it was able to come back. And hopefully still will - because I still feel very uncomfortable with what I know that I don't know anymore... The old connections just aren't there anymore and I need to foster new ones to replace them.

However, I am not a Registered Pharmacist yet. I have to also pass the Law exam - which I failed this first time around. But others have failed that before too. Even people who weren't re-learning how to change a lightbulb a year ago.

All of this is just another step while taking one slow step at a time. I have no real goals with time limits right now. And that has to be enough for everyone who's expecting me to be 'everything and more.' It will happen. It has to happen. It might not happen... but asking "when?!" isn't going to hurry it all along!

The NAPLEX was a huge milestone in this long recovery. Just graduating college with my PharmD was a milestone. And when I become an RPh, that will be another.

Perfect Moment of Relief

Perfect Moment Roses

I received years ago

Tough Boy:

1) Assess the stresses that are preventing you from focusing on recovering.

2) Get creative. Think outside the box!

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An article headline caught my attention just now on Yahoo.com in the Finance section. It read: "More women needing cash go from jobless to topless." Ha. I got a little chuckle out of it. I didn't read the entire article, but if you're interested here's the link.

The irony of this... I've actually thought about this as an option to make money. Thankfully I kept holding out until I could make better decisions; but desperate times call for desperate measures and as a young woman in her early twenties... I kept it in the back of my mind (as for some other options I'm not too proud of!).

Financial stress has always been the number one variable to cause worry and anxiety - even before my accident. I know I'm not alone. With this economy, brain injury or not, anxiety has heightened about how people will can cut back on frivolous spending and maintain their sanity. My biggest concern - and others - from not having any income points specifically to how am I going to pay for my rent, keep my home, maintain the stability and security that is provided from the roof over my head.

I don't have the answer for this. But I do encourage creative thinking. Asking people you know for money is easy when you're raising funds for people you both don't know, for walks and charities. It's a whole new ballgame when you need money for yourself.

How have I done it? I was able to get a credit card that (for a fee) would cash advance money into my bank account, I have an amazing landlord that has let me live month-to-month until I couldn't do it anymore, he moved my 'last month' that I paid when I moved in 4 years ago to be February's rent, and most recently had many prayers answered. I don't own anything and can't get a loan, I've maxed out my credit options, my family cannot help much... so what other options do I have? Stripping? Phone sex operator?... uh... where are my morals???

I needed something that could give me a lot of cash by April 1st. Something that wouldn't require 'working' just yet... I just can't yet. Something that will be easy enough to BS my way through. Something I might enjoy anyway...

Whether God answered or I just got lucky - pieces started to fly together and it started to become clear that the only loans I could qualify for were for education, as long as it was a graduate degree. By the grace of having the stars align just right... I 'stumbled' on a Master's in Social Psychology that was starting on March 2nd - the day my student loans from Pharmacy school would become delinquent. I busted my butt to get the application in ASAP, within two days I was accepted and started the student loan process.

It just made sense. It isn't a free ride - it's still a lot of work. I read Psych all the time and I like to write (even though this stuff requires a TON of energy for deadlines etc...). It deferred my loans for in-school status from the DAY I needed it most. It went off my 2007 taxes (when I worked before I was hit!) and I now have about 11 months of rent coming. The application fee had been waved for a few weeks right when I needed to apply. It's COMPLETELY online and I can do it while still going to RI for treatment or at 4 am on the fourth night of insomnia/migraine.

Honestly - I have to believe nothing is a coincidence. It came at the perfect moment with all the right answers. I believe I'm in my apartment because "someone bigger than me" knew what I was about to go through and believed it would be what I needed to make a recovery through these horrible few years. I had to believe "they" wouldn't take it away from me until I no longer needed it to recover 100%. It was my biggest challenge while trying to develop a minuscule amount of faith. I now have the biggest financial stress on quiet for a while to allow me to focus on getting back into Pharmacy and building up some work endurance ever so slowly.

I am so thankful. Not everyone is as lucky. And I encourage you to continually keep pushing buttons and thinking outside the box. Answers will come at the most critical time - last minute! Creativity, creativity, creativity... its not easy, but just imagine the possibilities!!

Does the medical world just not care about concussions??

Tough Boy:

1) Be patient with yourself and others.

2) Get a second opinion.

3) Keep looking until you find someone empathetic and preferably knows the "old you."

4) Be open minded. Most are learning about this as fast as you are searching on the web.

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BrokenBrilliant wrote about A Brilliant Opportunity amongst the community of people frustrated like us. I completely agree with his take towards the resources of the world wide web - and he and I have taken a similar route to begin our educating journey about TBI through the web and our blogs:

An opportunity lies before us, to come together and pool our resources and offer one another help and support — largely in the form of information that’s distributed across the world wide web. Our info can go a long way. We can do for ourselves, what others cannot do for us. So, let’s do it!

However, I do strongly disagree with the statements he made about the medical community not having any interest in helping people like us. I know it was written out of frustration and anger at the system - and I have had the same thoughts and angry feelings about it all as well. But my love has always been to help other people, my career has always pointed towards healthcare, and I genuinely feel most bad differences (in healthcare and in the world) can be accounted for by having a lack of adequate education.

For the sake of condensing my post - here's what I wrote as a comment... it was easier to cut and paste!! Cheers :)

Hey BB, thanks for the comment! I’m so glad you’re back in the game. I took a short sebatical myself… and may need a little more time before I can fully collect my thoughts on your recent postings. But I’ll start a little with this one…

I couldn’t agree and disagree more. I too had some iffy experiences with the wrong practitioners… and was quite shocked after devoting the last six years of my life towards working in the American healthcare system. Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed!!

But I’ve found a lot of things in my own research that have recently been published from the medical community - one document released July 2008 (wowly-recent!). I believe this relm of concussion is a new ‘hot spot’ for research; and those who are unaware of how dramatic the consequences of a concussion can be, they are now diving in to find out. I want to firmly believe that most practitioners just haven’t been presented with enough adequate research to make an incredible dent in the way they practice medicine around concussions and mTBI.

This doesn’t make the problems less warranted for medical advice/treatment. Nor am I excusing practitioners that seem to lack the gold standard of empathy needed in any practice. However, I’m suggesting that the education of what’s really going on, or how to really treat (medically, not just respectfully) patients like you and I has just begun to gain some ground.

Your search for all this knowledge is right at the core of where medicine is heading in regard to the brain and concussions. Soon I hope to post some articles for thought - and I’ll put up the one I mentioned earlier. I also hope to eventually use my doctorate to educate these practitioners as more information is available.

Keep diving into information! Some is credible, some- well, not so much, although definitely thought provoking! I can’t diffuse it all, but I was certainly trained hard enough to look at all the variables and relate published context to real-life situations and actual populations. There are reasons the system works as it does.

I read everything you write and I find your desire to educate empowering. Keep it up - and maybe together we can hit the points that need to stand out and that can be validated amongst a medical community. I have the educational background, I’m close to finding the respectable audience to begin this ‘education-debachle!’- but all is wasted without credible information to relay!

Talk soon! NEdream