I just... ugh

I feel incredibly stagnant.

I have felt like I just need a door to open somewhere. Somewhere, just a crack, I’ll kick it all the way open myself. I need a J.O.B. I need one A.S.A.P. I need something promising to happen to me. I give and give and pray and put in a lot of effort towards wishing other people well, sometimes I just wallow a bit and wonder, “ok, I really am happy and all, but what about me?! When may I expect something back, when will it be my turn to receive?!” So when I feel like this, I resort to the only logical thing – giving more.

I passed my law exam and finally got my pharmacist license. [Uh, now what?] I finished the makeup homework from my course that I almost failed. And promptly, I was down for the count. Three endless weeks of trying to sleep, tending to migraines, and doing my best to hope it’ll pass sooner than later. Four days of no sleep followed by three days of incapacitated migraine, then a few hours of rest only to battle a constant burden of being uncomfortable. And I think the streak ended yesterday. So I’m writing.

The little time in between this battling, I was redirecting my attention back to what matters most to me. People. I have an extraordinary amount of love to give and I have an immeasurable amount of compassion for people. I would try my best to spend one-on-one time with some of my friends. It tires me out a bunch but it is honestly the best investment of my time when I’m not able to do much else. Not only am I giving my individual attention to them and sharing my woes intimately with them, I am keeping myself connected.

I luckily spoke with my friend from high school – who I have always admired since high school band. I read her blog daily and am so amazed that I never knew how incredible she was at writing. I asked her how she gets the energy to remind her self to write every day, and she said “it’s what I’m passionate about.” How did I not know this? I have been passionate about writing since I could hold a crayon and squiggle!

I never want to comment on her blog, because I don’t want to link my blog to it and thus pull the curtain off my anonymity. It’s important that I have a place to talk about my struggles in an uncensored and candid forum. However, I shared my blog with her because she is so candid with her life and I have utmost respect for her passion. I comment on her facebook instead, or tell her through a private message what I thought about her writing. And after talking with her two nights ago, she said something completely profound to me: Start writing again.

Well, I do… and sometimes all the time. But about things that are trivial – like mommy issues or why I find all boys to be duds and how to break up with them without breaking their hearts. Things that ruminate in my head that I don’t really care about but I pay mind because it feels like these things need to be settled and dealt with to be cast aside. However, I don’t think writing about these things to deal with the ‘here and now’ stuff is moving me in any direction – but when I read about concussions and reasons why LENS helps my vision and why my resting heart rate is consistently at 130… I want to move forward, I want to find a way to be creative and announce it to the world and to educate and inspire. I want to be the genius I used to be and I want the endurance to be that genius at all hours of the day without getting tired or falling short to a migraine.

I am three weeks behind on my homework – yes, after finally getting caught up I went down for the count! I am eleven assignments behind. ELEVEN. But nobody’s dead yet. And I think I just needed to find something to write about. I needed to find a little fire. I needed to read about what I’m passionate about; to get excited about solving the mystery of concussions and brain injuries and the desire to teach the world and make it a better place. So I’m incredibly behind and I’m feeling absolutely stagnant, but I needed to write.

Thanks, C. You’ve done more than you can imagine. More than most. Although, I can’t promise everything will now be hunky-dory.

Impact of a Stroke

My grandparents on my mother's side have been there for me throughout the past decade of ups and downs. This past year especially.

My grandmother has always been a spitfire woman. My grandfather is absolutely the love of my life. At 83 and 87 years old, they celebrated their 64th (yes, sixty-fourth) wedding anniversary on November 18th. They are often up and about, still driving, and don't take more than a multivitamin. My grandfather would tell you - at his yearly checkup everything came in clear as day; cholesterol is perfect!

I love my grandparents. When I worked weekends for a few years, I called them every Sunday morning for some small talk before it got busy. Every holiday or anniversary, every birthday or every picture they sent me, I would send them a card or a thank you note. Both things I haven't been able to do in over a year - it's been too overwhelming or too much.

I am fortunate to have them close by, so when I started therapy in RI, I was leaving my mother's car at their house and my gram would pick me up at the T when I needed to drive down for a few days. Since July, I had been lucky to start seeing them a lot as I would get my attention and processing therapy or whatnot.

My grandmother has never been very tactful. She means well, but she surely lacks tact. I've had to ignore some of her comments and remind myself she means well. Such as "If you just went back to work, you wouldn't have to play all these stupid games that aren't getting you anywhere and you'd be just fine," or "you start to wonder how far 'support' goes until you're just plain babying someone..."

And it's OK, I know she just doesn't get it. I know I don't get it sometimes. I know that a lot of people just don't understand. I know there are instances where people have concussions and they are, indeed, perfectly fine. But I know more than ever, there are cases where that bump in the head isn't just a bump in the head and there are serious things wrong. I know because I'm sure I've been bumped in the head before and was fine. I know because this particular bump in my head was more serious and definitely changed my entire life and future.

Throughout all of this, accepting that she and others do not understand, I have never once wished they would. I have never wanted anyone to actually "get it," and the day I walked into the hospital and saw my grandmother absolutely beside herself because she "got it," I could only relive the dispair I had felt a year ago after my accident.



The Friday before Thanksgiving, my grandmother had a stroke. She's doing OK. She looks great - really great - fantastic actually. And she hates hearing it. As I do.

She gets it. And when she sees me when I visit, she just cries and says sorry - which causes me to cry and not be able to say anything except "it'll be OK, it comes back..." She asked me "how have you done this for a year, this is just so frustrating, how do people do this and not just want to quit?"

She can't do a lot of things she used to right now. She is beside herself as she tells doctors that she can't mechanically write, the words are just scribble - I got my love of writing from her, I got my verbose and often superfluous nature from my gram. She was going through old stories she's written - and she can read, and she's shocked she can still read when she can't write. She's also shocked she was able to do so much before. She gets it.

When I went in to visit, I brought my favorite photograph of her and my grandaddy from a few years ago to have at her bedside. I also brought some playing cards because she loves solitaire. Lastly, I brought her a 'word search' book. She loved the photograph - as it connected her to people who care about her. The cards and word finds - just made her discover some new things that are harder than they were before.

She speaks very slowly and is processing things even more slowly. On Thanksgiving, I watched as my family talked so normal to her and she pretended to listen, but her response just showed it was too fast for her to understand. I slowed my speech for her to answer her when she asked if she had just stayed at home and not gone to the hospital if she would have been worse. And she got it, she understood. She's still bright, just different. She gets it.

That day in the rehab nursing home, as the family was around she was telling us about her decision to be DNR. She was asked if she understood that it meant "do not resuscitate?" Her response was that she absolutely did and she doesn't want to live if she has another stroke. I don't think she will, most strokes that actually become a DNR decision happen one after the other, and their clots are just firing all over the place. But I don't think she'll have a life threatening one. And if another one happened, she just might become a little more disabled... this woman could probably still run circles around you and I. But the point is that the loss of who she used to be has had her thinking about dying. Her brain injury from the stroke has completely taken the life-loving spirit out of her. She gets it.

Finally, touching on personality changes that happen to those brain injured, some people, like me, get angry and resentful. However, my grandmother's clot was in the area of the brain that "controlled inhibitions." She went from being a stickler to saying outlandish, hysterical things! My father said, "Holy smokes! She is not herself, she's practically ready to run Saturday Night Live!!"

As comical as that is, it still breaks my heart. It had frustrated me that she didn't understand before, but I would go through it all again - the pain, the sleepless nights, the frustration, the anger, the loss, the fear, the unknown, the desperation, and all the struggling through this recovery - I would do it all over again if she never had to know. If she never had to really understand what I was going through I would experience it all over. Watching someone you love go through this, for me it resonates so profoundly because I've been through it. I get it.

Whoa! Happy dance!!

So that last post - When I spell-checked, I only had two words spelt wrong!!! That's huge!!! And I think it is a little more organized than some back in August?? Maybe... maybe not? I think it's better than months ago.



Granted, I also might re-read it a month from now and be embarrassed if I catch a missed 'to, two, vs too; or 'wear vs. where'... but I definitely caught myself once in a read-over before I posted it! Oh progress... I'll be smart again someday!! I just know it... I can feel it... I have so much hope. That makes me so happy :)


< insert HUGE smiley face here! >




I wonder if it's the new LENS therapy I just started?? I have a feeling it's going to do wonders when it starts to really work!

Still Kickin'

Tough Boy:

1) Find a way to connect to people.

2) Focus on one thing at a time.

3) Be patient.

4) Do something you enjoy doing.

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I think I quickly became overwhelmed with the idea of doing something positive from my beyond-negative-words experience with my concussion. This recovery has been kickin' my butt! There are so many things I want to write, so many things I want to share. I got overwhelmed as I made notes about them, or as I was trying new things... becoming overwhelmed is something that happens to me waaaaaaaay to easily these days.

I have a very difficult time dealing with any stress - so much as a single small email I receive - the thought of replying can sometimes be waaaaaaaay to much! This stress leads to a catapult of horrible events in which set me back days and weeks at a time. I have tons to write, tons to talk about, tons to tell people and a zillion ways I want to educate the world about what I've read and found out about what I've been going through. I will get it together eventually! I promise!! But I've had to take a deep breath, and I'll have to go really slow... and prevent myself from getting completely overwhelmed!! And then I'll post some ideas about how to not get completely overwhelmed if I find something that works.

And I'm so glad to hear from BrokenBrilliant! I have a lot to say about things you've written recently - it's just the overwhelming piece... kinda stepped in my way. But I still read everything!!! So glad you found practioners you could relate with... so critical with anything healthcare!

And to Dr. Rutledge (I'm not really sure how to email you... wellsphere looks awesome! But I couldn't figure out your email right away... I hope you look at this!!) - and to anyone else - feel free to feature my blog, mention it, add it to your link list, or comment about it. I hope to one day put enough down to go out and educate all about this relm of mTBI... and this blogging community is such an amazing way to start, to gather feedback, and to ultimately gain ground in a promising direction without failing (hopefully not failing...).


PS. I was reading my last post, because people commented on it (thank you!) And I'm embarrassed to have noticed my spelling mistakes and words I used incorrectly. Ugh. I sound so uneducated! But as I get better I hope to become more fluent in the English language again - I promise I know the difference between to, too, and two; and the difference between the verb 'peek' and the noun 'peak.'

The who, what, why...

Tough Boy:
1) Use a word processor on your computer to save ideas and unfinished work (I love Word for Microsoft XP). You can go back as much as you want before you send an email or post a blog!

2) Spell Check is a life-saving invention

3) What's the word?? While in Word, right click on the word you're unsure about, scroll down to "Synonyms." If only I could do that while talking!!

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In November I was walking to my “job,” the unpaid rotation in my sixth year of Pharmacy school. I had a presentation that day, which I can’t remember what it was on… but I also had an interview for one of the medical schools I had applied to. I was running my strengths and weaknesses through my mind. I was preparing my presentation of how as a doctor I would love to work in the emergency room, trauma-surgery unit, or become a cardiovascular surgeon.

If you told me that morning before I left my apartment that my entire life was about to change – I would’ve probably said, “you’re right, I’m about to ace my interview and get accepted to medical school!” I would’ve run out the door without blinking at the thought.

That morning, I was hit in the head and my entire life has changed.


As I continue to recover from a world-altering closed head injury, I hope I can find the energy to record some of the "no-brainers" that aren't so obvious when you have no brain... or at least one that isn't working properly.

I have been slowly learning about concussions and mild traumatic brain injuries (mTBI); unfortunately there's nothing mild about them and they are not fully understood.


Too often, when I would try to find out things about what I was going through, I would come across advertising websites. Where they all had great information, they were all saying the same thing. Also, they were all connected to personal injury lawyers hoping to make bank off this “invisible” suffering. That’s all fine and dandy – but if doctors are telling me there’s nothing wrong, I need to find the answers myself… even if it takes me forever. I’m educated enough to look deeper and make sense of what I might find (um... well, eventually). Forever is a dreary time, but when the hope for my future is darker than the present, spending the insane amounts of time and frustration may help me slowly become more comfortable.

I am still not ok. I have a long way to go. I can, however, fake-it-till-I-make-it. I try not to make it an issue with people I am just meeting. I look the best I’ve looked in 7 years - I’m a knock-out. However, the most annoying thing I hear is “Really?? Cause you look great!” They don’t see me every day. They don’t see me when I am on my 6th quiet day spent inside with the lights off; my main goal being to just get to the next day. On my good days I might be able to open mail from a month ago – not saying I read any of the stuff I keep, but I try to throw out the junk mail. On bad days, I really can’t tell you how I have spent my waking hours other than reading “mindless” things online. Two or three sentences, short blogs, horoscopes, updates on the recent Red Sox developments… but I won’t register most of it.

If I decide to go out or when I am going to a friend’s house for the weekend, I feel obligated to push through it, smile and charm, and “be as normal as I can.” I might go days without sleeping and I will be ultimately confused. I try to have VERY minimal light and sound exposure in the days coming up before I have to drive. I try to “rest up” as much as I can to get “energy reserves” so I can better hold conversations, meet new people, be a friend… have a life… in the days that I am down there. Nobody likes a party pooper. And if it ever comes to the question of “what do you do for work?” or “why aren’t you drinking?” I try my best to follow along with what the “past-me” would have said, until I have to tell them I’m actually retarded now. “But you look great!!” Ugh….

I’ve been doing this on my own. I am very smart, and I’m sure I am still above average on many levels. The frustration is with the dramatic change. The part where I have to RE-learn what I’ve been molded to do since I was born. How I group things, how I count, how I view numbers, how I listen, how I read, how I send out my rent check, how I communicate, how I react to others and situations. I look great, I am very smart… but I am not the “me” I had been for the 22 years before my head injury.

There are certainly glimpses of “me,” and therefore leads many people who were acquaintances to not understand what I’m trying to say about my new world and my new difficulties. And some of those glimpses have driven me to want to “figure it out” when everyone else has no suggestions. I read a lot of blogs to pass time. I also read a lot nonsense articles. But sometimes, I come across something that seems so obvious, something that is so much “common sense,” that I am baffled by my discovery.

When you have a brain injury, as discrete as your problems may seem to others, your brain just isn’t able to see the obvious. The confusion makes much of the “common sense” not so common to you anymore. And these “no-brainers” that I didn’t have the brain to figure out on my own – were absolutely some of the best trinkets of advice that took me WAY too long to find.

So this is where I’m going to put those trinkets. For anyone who stumbles on this blog, if you have any trinkets of your own (even if you’re perfectly functioning), PLEASE let me know. It takes me MONTHS to do something that might take you two seconds; any help would be completely appreciated. Eventually, I hope these things can help people that are just starting to figure out how hard it is to find these things on their own… the people who aren’t as fortunate to have the same resilience that’s peaking through from the “old me.” And maybe, just maybe, I can make that difference in this world I had thought I would in the pharmacy world, medical school, or as a cardiovascular surgeon… but maybe I will be able to improve enough to make a difference by teaching the healthcare providers who are treating, and become an advocate for, those who are struggling despite just how fantastic they look.