Call for Backup

Tough Boy tip of the day:

1) When things are spiraling, call someone who really won't mind sweeping, dusting, doing laundry, etc.

2) Wear those sunglasses! You're not a solar unit that gains energy when basking in those rays!!

3) Don't ever let your grocery cart look like mine..........

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As you recover - you'll find some more comfort than before, you'll experience a longer 'better day,' maybe have some more better days each month, and you will SLOWLY feel a bigger push to just be you again!

I've felt this push a lot. I know there are things that are better. I would like to say I have more energy. I would like to say I'm closer than ever before - which I am, but I still have a ways to go.

The last few weeks I've been looking around at my apartment and started to realize that my energy is still being completely depleted at the end of each day. I might be completing my assignments (barely) on time. I might be doing more math, I might be a faster reader, I might be having better conversations and feeling like I have more energy to have an educated life again. But in all honesty, and naturally, I have let other things fall by the wayside while my priorities changed.

The order of my apartment is important for me to find things. It's important so I feel I have some structure. It's important so I can recover without losing pieces, defaulting my credit, or getting mice in my house. And often, when things are a DISASTER - I feel less put together myself. My health slips, the care of my skin slips, if I can feed myself comes out when my weight slips, my relationships with friends and family slips, and it was very hard to see it happening until everything looked as if I was now a disaster!

My 'income' right now is coming from my psych program. The energy I have been pummeling into my assignments has been redistributed from the energy I had for self-care. But I had gotten so disorganized... I had to call for backup.

Thank goodness for the people in your life that won't just 'say' "if you need something, call" and then disappoint. Thank goodness for the people who don't question why you need help putting your clean laundry away. Thank goodness for the people who will put your dishes into the dishwasher and press start. Thank goodness for the people who will listen to you verbally vomit about your life and whats on your mind and whats building up and not hold judgement or rumor or make you feel like they don't care.

Thank goodness for my friend, Maria. I've known her since I was about three years old, we lost touch for years when we went to college and recently keep in touch every few months. But she is one of these people. Not many exist.

I've stopped therapy in RI for a little while - I need to put my life back together. Cleaning was just the start. I need the energy to get through my course and do the final project. I need the energy to reapply for accommodations to retake my law exam. I need the energy that was being spent on going home, then going to RI, then coming back... just for a few minutes of LENS therapy. Although, I'm torn. I know I need it. I go there because its too much to start all over. I go there because of my history of them documenting my recovery. And starting over is just so exhausting. But I can come back when I think I can...

I think my energy is increasing. But the level of my functioning is also increasing and eating off any of the extra that I've gained. So I'm only capable of doing X amount of things still. I could do that amount when I had Y amount of energy. But as I recover I have a little more - Y + Z amount of energy. But I'm still only capable of doing X amount of things. So where's Z energy going??

I think I can account Z energy being allotted towards the 'simple' functions that are 'reconnecting' in my brain. I might not be doing more things, but I'm doing things more efficiently. Like my memory. Recognizing faces. Shortcuts. Remembering things I talked about with someone a while ago that relates to a conversation I have today. Being able to follow a conversation and not have to stop and ask what a word means - its understood rather than dwelling on it. But that little detail of remembering a definition without having to look it up, in the flow of a conversation IS IMPROVEMENT! It does take energy though...

SO that's my rant. Call for backup and get back on track!

Happy Spring!