Good News :)

After 16 months of recovery and a ton of re-learning... I took the national pharmacy boards (NAPLEX) and the law exam required for licensure as a pharmacist. Today I got the letter that I PASSED THE NAPLEX!!! YAY!!

I failed the law though...

But I passed the big one!!!

At the rate I have had to re-learn my vocabulary, my spelling, my reading, my writing, my addition and multiplication tables... the information was difficult to 'get through,' but six years of pharmacy school was coming back just as slowly. The great thing is that it was able to come back. And hopefully still will - because I still feel very uncomfortable with what I know that I don't know anymore... The old connections just aren't there anymore and I need to foster new ones to replace them.

However, I am not a Registered Pharmacist yet. I have to also pass the Law exam - which I failed this first time around. But others have failed that before too. Even people who weren't re-learning how to change a lightbulb a year ago.

All of this is just another step while taking one slow step at a time. I have no real goals with time limits right now. And that has to be enough for everyone who's expecting me to be 'everything and more.' It will happen. It has to happen. It might not happen... but asking "when?!" isn't going to hurry it all along!

The NAPLEX was a huge milestone in this long recovery. Just graduating college with my PharmD was a milestone. And when I become an RPh, that will be another.

Brain Injury Press

Photo from Natasha-Richardson.org

I know Yahoo.com doesn't have the best cited information - but I stop by for some small information and headlines sometimes when I'm not feeling my best. I like to continue to read, even when I don't think I can comprehend much... and this is the kind of small reading I tend to go to!

Anyway...

The news of Natasha Richardson's death is absolutely horrifying. However, I feel this couldn't be a better time for the increased awareness of brain injuries and just how severe they actually can be.

Since the day of my accident, I have felt that somehow I've been affected at a moment where NOBODY knows much about mTBI. And as much as this fact has stunk up any easy recovery... as the months go by more and more situations arise which start making mTBI a HUGE deal on this planet. This is just one example of the awareness that I feel I might be in the middle of when I'm finally well enough to make a stand and become an educator and advocate about the horrifying ordeal that concussions can lead to.

A few days following Natasha's skiing incident/death - I am not sure the exact date, but had thought to blog about it! - I had noticed in the bottom right of my browser on Yahoo.com "Today's Top Searches" that "Brain Injury" was number 6!!!

Now, I didn't ever think I was going to die. I was in excruciating pain for a good 8-14 months, but I never felt my life was at risk. I had significant pain which I thought I was dying or going to have a seizure or pass out and hit my head again and bleed to death (dramatic I know...). I hadn't had a CT of my brain at the time my head was hit, but my CT of my neck was less than impressive and my MRI of my cervical spine a month later wasn't showing anything significant either. In February, I finally had an MRI of my brain and everything seemed clear. I was thrilled to see I had a brain!! wooooo!!!

I hope this link works. This is a pretty inspiring video of a little girl who was hit in the head by a baseball and was 'talking and she was fine' and had 'a bump on her head, but no symptoms whatsoever' until she started to have a migraine a few days later... she had a similar acute epidermal hematoma (significant bruising/blood clot) to what killed Natasha.

It makes me wonder if I might have had a similar hematoma that disturbed some of the blood flow to the neurons I've had to rebuild over the last year plus. I'm just thrilled this girl was so strong and can't imagine what pain she might still be experiencing - but bless her having the strength to forward the brain injury awareness to the world.

My mother also told me that she heard Obama recently mention in one of his speeches that he was awarding troops or veterans increased funds towards treatment of brain injuries - anyone hear this too?

I know I'm not the best at citing references, etc... but I'm working on it.

Perfect Moment of Relief

Perfect Moment Roses

I received years ago

Tough Boy:

1) Assess the stresses that are preventing you from focusing on recovering.

2) Get creative. Think outside the box!

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An article headline caught my attention just now on Yahoo.com in the Finance section. It read: "More women needing cash go from jobless to topless." Ha. I got a little chuckle out of it. I didn't read the entire article, but if you're interested here's the link.

The irony of this... I've actually thought about this as an option to make money. Thankfully I kept holding out until I could make better decisions; but desperate times call for desperate measures and as a young woman in her early twenties... I kept it in the back of my mind (as for some other options I'm not too proud of!).

Financial stress has always been the number one variable to cause worry and anxiety - even before my accident. I know I'm not alone. With this economy, brain injury or not, anxiety has heightened about how people will can cut back on frivolous spending and maintain their sanity. My biggest concern - and others - from not having any income points specifically to how am I going to pay for my rent, keep my home, maintain the stability and security that is provided from the roof over my head.

I don't have the answer for this. But I do encourage creative thinking. Asking people you know for money is easy when you're raising funds for people you both don't know, for walks and charities. It's a whole new ballgame when you need money for yourself.

How have I done it? I was able to get a credit card that (for a fee) would cash advance money into my bank account, I have an amazing landlord that has let me live month-to-month until I couldn't do it anymore, he moved my 'last month' that I paid when I moved in 4 years ago to be February's rent, and most recently had many prayers answered. I don't own anything and can't get a loan, I've maxed out my credit options, my family cannot help much... so what other options do I have? Stripping? Phone sex operator?... uh... where are my morals???

I needed something that could give me a lot of cash by April 1st. Something that wouldn't require 'working' just yet... I just can't yet. Something that will be easy enough to BS my way through. Something I might enjoy anyway...

Whether God answered or I just got lucky - pieces started to fly together and it started to become clear that the only loans I could qualify for were for education, as long as it was a graduate degree. By the grace of having the stars align just right... I 'stumbled' on a Master's in Social Psychology that was starting on March 2nd - the day my student loans from Pharmacy school would become delinquent. I busted my butt to get the application in ASAP, within two days I was accepted and started the student loan process.

It just made sense. It isn't a free ride - it's still a lot of work. I read Psych all the time and I like to write (even though this stuff requires a TON of energy for deadlines etc...). It deferred my loans for in-school status from the DAY I needed it most. It went off my 2007 taxes (when I worked before I was hit!) and I now have about 11 months of rent coming. The application fee had been waved for a few weeks right when I needed to apply. It's COMPLETELY online and I can do it while still going to RI for treatment or at 4 am on the fourth night of insomnia/migraine.

Honestly - I have to believe nothing is a coincidence. It came at the perfect moment with all the right answers. I believe I'm in my apartment because "someone bigger than me" knew what I was about to go through and believed it would be what I needed to make a recovery through these horrible few years. I had to believe "they" wouldn't take it away from me until I no longer needed it to recover 100%. It was my biggest challenge while trying to develop a minuscule amount of faith. I now have the biggest financial stress on quiet for a while to allow me to focus on getting back into Pharmacy and building up some work endurance ever so slowly.

I am so thankful. Not everyone is as lucky. And I encourage you to continually keep pushing buttons and thinking outside the box. Answers will come at the most critical time - last minute! Creativity, creativity, creativity... its not easy, but just imagine the possibilities!!

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month!!

Pass it on, Tough Boy:

1) March is Brain Injury Awareness Month!! Spread the word!!

2) Still feeling that pain? Look into acupuncture or craniosacral therapy.

3) Do your body good! Avoid the junk. Replace your sugars and simple carbs (like white breads/pastas) and bring in some more whole foods, veggies, and fish that have tons of Omega-3s!

4) Get moving! Just a short walk outside, ten or fifteen minutes. I know, its tough... but it'll help!

5) Check out the other blogs I've collected under "Personal Stories" to the right. They've all got some insight on their own struggles - which might be just like your own.

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Just a quick stop by - as my situation hasn't dramatically changed at all. And I'm quite exhausted still.

But March is Brain Injury Awareness Month!!! How could I not stop by to leave some support to my fellow supporters and those looking for some relief! Spread the word and start creating awareness for our invisible struggle - who knows who'll notice, who knows who will be grateful to have found someone they can relate to, who knows what an impact it could make?? Just send over this link and start the discussion!


Relaying Tips

Got some awesome tips from some great online supports I've been leaning on (whether they know it or not!). Feel free to read verbatim what they wrote in the comments of my last post!!


Colette mentioned that her experience with acupunture and craniosacral therapy - often found at places that do massage and naturopathic therapies - has

help[ed] the pain, energy and feeling more balanced.

Unfortunately, you may find that most insurance companies will not pay for these services.


Broken Brilliant stopped by to remind me of healthy choices. These really do make a difference!

it's easy for me to make poor food choices, and then I can't figure out why I feel like crap.

I first read about the effect of sugars and simple carbs in a book written by Edward Hallowell, Driven to Distraction. It's a great book for those who have ADHD/ADD. However, one way to acquire ADHD/ADD... yep, you guessed it!... is from a mild traumatic brain injury.

I have seen first hand how much the brain 'changes' after a concussion - what makes me think that it hasn't changed how it responds to foods? Then again, ADHD/ADD is also genetic - and right before my accident, I had found out I have the genes. I changed my diet to eat less sugar and less cheese ravioli and cheap pizza - what a difference! So I know making healthy choices can be great!

If you don't want to 'diet,' eat as much vegetables as you want - just make sure you're eating better choices. Try veggies and whole grains. Vitamins and fiber. Proteins are important, too! Fish that contain Omega 3s are brain-tastic (especially SALMON! which I have learned to LOOOVE). Most artificial crab meat also has Omega 3.

Also, BB mentions exercise.

when it comes to my moods, but things like getting moving, going for a walk, etc. can make a lot of difference for me.

ADHD or not, exercise can alleviate a foggy mind, anxiety, depression, and just make you feel a little better.


How'd you find me?

The most common way people find me - is searching for "Happy Face" via Google. All because I linked a picture of that happy face on one of my posts. Oh brother!

But these search words that I stumbled on kinda made me laugh a little: "mtbi and quietly insane"

You don't even know the half of it. hahaha. Hope my site helped them a bit!


Read Personal Stories

I sometimes stumble on other blogs of people who are going through the same stuff. I find it comforting to read their struggles and know that I'm not alone and I'm not as crazy as I thought I was... or maybe I am - but everyone else is, too!

Here are a few that always check in :) Other links can be found under "Personal Stories" on the right.

Colette Amelia's Blog

Kazzel's Journey Blog

Brokenbrilliant's Blog

I've mentioned him before - he was the first one I found!! And he has TONS of information dedicated to just Brain Injuries.

Also, I haven't done it yet, but I'm about to check out the video he has linked - a guy in the Boston area made a 6-part video of his TBI presentation he's been giving for a few years.


Always finding good stuff!! Thanks guys!

Keep Applying, Keep Appealing, Keep Faith

Some small tidbits for a Tough Boy as we wait for Spring, longer days, and more sunshine (for those in North America)!!

1) Apply for your Statewide Head Injury Program (SHIP). Not all states have one, but it's worth looking into. This is the link for Massachusetts SHIP info.

2) Denied Social Security Disability? Here's an online appeal link.

3) Explore other - sometimes less obvious, less solid, less structured, or less tangible - avenues for support. Whether you have faith, want faith, need faith; whether you believe or you know others that believe in something different, religious, greater than you, or spiritual. Pray, have others pray, or dig a little deeper in yourself.

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Today I received a long awaited letter from the Massachusetts Rehabilitation Commission regarding my application to the Statewide Head Injury Program (SHIP).

I have been determined ELIGIBLE!!!!!!

This could potentially lead to a less grueling attempt to participate in vocation rehab - which I so desperately need to begin working again.

Not all state rehab services have a specific head injury program to apply to - but it's worth looking into. I'm also not sure about other countries (such as Canada or New Zealand). This is the link for info on applying for Massachusetts' SHIP.

Even if you aren't found eligible for services, it's important to apply anyway to help create awareness of how, when, etc you were affected by a head injury or concussion. A lot of funding governed towards these programs are allocated based on numbers - and those numbers are probably largely inaccurate for mild brain injuries. It could be your little impact towards better recognition and awareness for this frustrating invisible disability.

Update on My Life

I've been a mess the last few months. Uncharacteristically, last week I had a really great week. However, I am back to experiencing different levels of anxiety, neck/back pain, some depression, and a lot of unknown and uncertainty.

Thank you for checking in on me - for those who have - I'm still alive, just crawling along. I really do appreciate your thoughts and/or your prayers.

Low Energy Neurofeedback System

I know I am still yet to talk about the LENS treatment I've been getting - but I had gotten "too much" neurofeedback about a month ago and it resulted in the most unstable emotional state I've ever been in. Its important that someone who treats you with LENS knows how to go slowly, or to slow it down if you experience a week of instability.

To just touch a little on how bad it was: I cried... no, I weeped and ruminated in a persistent panic attack from the Thursday morning to the following Tuesday afternoon.

I knew it wasn't normal, I knew it wasn't how I think, and I'm fortunate to have been aware enough to know the difference. Needless to say, in that time, I really felt if those feelings would continue until my next weekly appointment, I needed 24 hour observation and a team of qualified mental health professionals to stabilize me. I had called my insurance about inpatient coverage, I had found McClean Psychiatric Hospital and found someone to take me there if I needed, I discussed admission procedures and even discussed with my lawyer, if I were to go what my options would be to cover the expenses. I was completely ready for a two week intensive psychiatric intervention as an inpatient.

There Just HAS to be Something Bigger than Little Me

That Thursday, I went to the book store and bought a book found in the 'Christian' area. For the entire weekend I was finally willing to really devote myself to reading about why 'God' makes people suffer and how 'He' plans to redeem you.

I found a book written by a psychologist that works with adults who were sexually abused as children, Dan B. Allender, PhD. His book, "The Healing Path," was not very preachy - which is exactly what I needed to begin to think about and maybe begin to accept something bigger than me, possibly called "God."

I was baptised both Roman Catholic and also Protestant. I attended a protestant church when I was very young, but my upbringing really didn't stress religion at all. By the time I was attending college, I gave up the fact that the bible would ever influence me. Three or four years ago, I actually flat out denied any faith - if I felt the need to pray, I would deliberately stop myself and say out loud "No, God doesn't exist. Anything I say will be wasted breath."

I can't sit and read the bible. I don't have the patience. I don't understand the language. I need someone to tell me in layman terms. I don't want a ton of (possibly fictional) bible stories as examples; I want real people who believe to tell me why I should believe, how they pray and what he's done for them. I'm a tough critic. But part of it is a readiness to accept a faith and put everything driving me to stress out, hopefully, into someone else's hands. I was so very much at the bottom of the world and ready.

This book was really good for what I personally needed. I am still not religious, or pushing it on anyone, but I am making a conscious effort to believe God has a plan. I am making a conscious effort to pray for Him to love me - for everything I am right now, as I am, despite everything I am incapable of doing right now. This book got me through the week until my next appointment.

Stressed and Overwhelmed

So between getting denied social security, missing the 60 day deadline to appeal the denial, not hearing from SHIP, not getting on a list for vocational rehab services until at least April, not having a dime for April 1st rent and beyond, having to RELEARN six years of pharmacy lingo and thousands of drugs to take my boards March 12 and 19th, and having absolutely NO energy to pull myself together - I'm trying not to freak out. I'm still alive.

One thing at a time. And some things might start to look a little up... but before I count the eggs in my basket, I'm still waiting anxiously for some very critical things to fall into place. Please continue thinking of me and I will try my hardest not to tweak out before jotting down any other things that can help you in your life through your recovery.

If it helps - I'm thinking of you, too.

Just barely getting by

Tough Boy:

1) Just keep going.

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I haven't been myself the past few months. I really have no idea what I've been doing. I have nothing constructive to show for the time that's lapsed since December. I have been struggling to figure out how to keep holding on to some of 'me' though.... The last time I had spent a night with my friend in RI was towards the end of January, but not since December 2nd the time before. I usually hang out with her each time I go down, once a week. Not to say I had completely isolated myself... but I noticed I just couldn't find the energy to watch her sing Karaoke so I just didn't go.

In an effort to pull myself back, I spent a few nights of the last two months trying to be social or once in a while hanging out one-on-one with someone. I just have to make sure I'm still remembering to eat!

I'm just in a funk. I have just enough energy to do the bare minimal of "thinking about" doing things... but nothing to start or attempt to complete projects. This includes my appeal for the Social Security Disability denial decision I received. My 60 days to file has already passed... I just don't have the energy.... :(

I'm hanging on by a string the past two months. It's a rollercoaster I just can't get off. But I'm not having fun anymore. I haven't liked this ride from the moment it took off - or rather, buckled me in.

What does YOUR Consistency List look like?

Consistency, Tough Boy, is the secret to maintaining comfort. Here's a list (in no particular order) of some things that you and I may normally take for granted, but might not realize how significant a small change can affect you while recovering:


1) Never running out of hot water during your shower

2) Heat - not too hot, not too cold

3) A bag hanging on the wall, next to the door you always use, to put your keys in the second you walk inside (yes, I bought a calculator for my keychain to struggle less with my new inability to do mental math... don't judge... it's fantastic!)

4) Family who try to understand


5) Friends who try to understand

6) Hope. It gets better. It has been worse. I am improving. I will still continue to get better.

7) Faith - I'm jealous if you've got it. Say a little prayer for me please if you have some extra time...

8) Safety and Security

9) Electricity, gas, light bulbs, internet

10) Thick window shades to block out the sun

11) Quiet

12) Food and nutrition

13) Daily multivitamin

14) Toilet paper

15) Charged up electronics

16) A decent, sharp pair of scissors

17) Stapler - not jammed, not empty

18) Working pen and post-its or scrap paper, accessible near the fridge, in your car, on your nightstand... everywhere you might come up with something brilliant!! (Which is everywhere)

19) Trash cans in every room to prevent clutter buildup

20) Weekly pill holder

21) Sunglasses

22) Clean underwear - seriously, just go out and buy a ton... I think I have close to 100 pairs. I hate doing laundry.

23) Big huge desk calendar to jot things on - sleep much? migraine today? 2/10 or 10/10 pain? met a friend at a loud bar and were OK? ears rang for three straight days afterwards? Any trends?

I would put my doctor or physical therapy appointments here as well so I would see them every day as a reminder - prevent over-extending priorities and consider these appts the ONLY thing necessary to highlight (highlight for health! haha)

24) The calendar and alarm on my cell phone that is always with me to keep appointments in

25) Earplugs for loud events

26) Fresh milk

27) Food you'll eat in a pinch - I like choco chip granola bars and raspberry nutrigrain

28) Dishwasher - seriously, just use it.

29) Money - but I haven't a clue how to help you here.

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I guess these go into 'organization?'

I absolutely acknowledge that one of the best things I could have been blessed with during my recovery is the pure-luck that I have been able to pay for my apartment (and I have an understanding landlord that is allowing me to pay month to month for a little while). This is my safe haven, my home-base. Things work the way they should, I live alone, I can control my environment, and nobody is messing up or breaking things that I'll have to fix for them.

I haven't discussed the LENS therapy yet (but I will!!) which I get weekly. Therefore, I spend a night at my parents house once a week. A big issue for me is temperature changes. They cause insane nausea when I get too cold, or when I get uncomfortably hot. My parents keep the heat at about 62 degrees. I freeze and the migraines begin, but they're pretty comfortable upstairs with each other's body heat. In my apartment, I have radiator heating and it's always about 70-73 degrees in here. There is very little variability and I stress less knowing there is consistency.

My father has a habit of keeping the water heater on its lowest setting. When I'm freezing, or my muscles are squeezing my shoulders, I hop in the shower for warmth. The relief isn't possible when the water goes cold after 10 minutes. Do I take long showers? Guilty. But in my apartment I have never run out of hot water and I can rely on it being there when I'm seeking comfort from a fluctuating body temp.

Fun fact: Changes in your heart rate can lead to migraines. Some biofeedback methods use a heart rate monitor (called Emwave) and hand warmers. It takes much dedication, attention and concentration (which might be too much to invest) but can be very effective in preventing oncoming migraine discomfort. If you have cold hands, this could be a sign that your heart will fluctuate to keep perfusing your vital organs... warm up those hands, put on a sweatshirt! If you're overheating (if I spend too much time in a hot shower) your heart rate will try to adjust to help you sweat out the excess heat inside your body! Heat changes put a demand on your body, and sudden changes from your natural thermoregulation responses can be extremely uncomfortable! :(

My parents also have their routines of making a lot of noise that they are unaware they are making. Washing dishes and clinking them all together, watching TV louder and louder, or when the phone rings with its obscenely high pitch; all these environmental noises I couldn't control with my family who didn't understand my sudden irritability and discomfort! Noises get louder as you get more tired. Sometimes, the pure vibration that I could feel in the walls from the television was too much. I don't have an explanation for it. It can be very difficult to communicate to people who have no clue if you're just trying to pick an argument or if you're seriously debilitated as the noises pile up.

Thankfully, after 6 months of trying to adjust to me, I have become a little more tolerant (where I'm not angrily cursing, but politely reminding them) and they have been a little more aware of their own actions when I'm home. My mom even found wireless headphones that my dad uses to watch the TV - they're a blessing!! I've got to take a picture... he's hysterical. You can't pick your family, like many other stories - mine hasn't always been there for me, but even the little efforts go a long way. Therefore, family is also on my list.

Finding consistency and reliability is a huge step towards increasing your comfort. It sometimes might be taken for granted until you are moved into a 'new' place with different amenities and rules. Obviously not a complete list, and highly individualized to my experience (and my scattered mind today!), so feel free to create your own!! And then make sure the things on your list stay in order to make your life a little easier :)