Mood Swings Happen

Oh, I'm an angry Tough Girl...

1) Recognize what feelings you've always had before your concussion.

2) Recognize the new mood swings are often precipitated from being overstimulated.
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Ick.

Ugh.

Argh!

What the... uhhhhh... I don't... just... how do... AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

My anxiety has been building all night. I'm not sure why... I'm aware of the thoughts ruminating through my head, but there is honestly NOTHING that has been different or more stressful or anxiety-causing this week that has been more than past weeks.

But this happens sometimes. And all week it's been building. I'm in a "I just want to swear all day" mood. I want to drop F bombs all over the place. I want to tell people to screw off. I want to tell the world that I don't give a hoot about anything they have to say so they might as well shut up. Bother someone who cares.

The ironic thing - is many of these feelings aren't really true. I do care. I do want to know. I do want to have discussions and talk and hang out and yadda... but my anxiety is saying different.

I must have overstimulated myself this week.

I've had a lot of company lately, which I love!!! But I think this wasn't a good week to love it. I have loved it... but at the same time I've been constantly urked by STUPID LITTLE THINGS. Like when I wait for someone who said they're going to show up by 1 am... but I stay up until 4 am waiting for them to get off the night shift - only to wake up at 7 am with a migraine that won't go away for the next 4 days... while you sleep. And then wake up wondering why I'm short tempered and ask you what day it is.... oh... Saturday, for the 12th time. Usually when I've asked for the 4th time... I know I'm having a bad day.

I'm in a Don't F'in Touch Me mood. I'm cuddly by nature... a true female. But this week I cringe at the idea of having a friend over that wants to hug hi and hug by. Don't touch me you slimy, lying, always-crossing-the-line leech! Haha... but they're not slimy or lying... they're my friend that I'm usually leeching onto! What IS going on in my head?!

I have had these types of moody episodes before my accident. I recognize that. Usually they would take part when I hadn't slept because I had 4 exams, 2 presentations, 9 club meetings, 3 nights out with my friends, and a weekend full of working for money... and it would come in the form of dropping things. I would always always drop things.... and it would make me mad, like I could control it. The WORST was when my contacts case would drop into the sink... oooh no it didn't!!!

But this is different. I'm angry at people who have good intentions. I'm angry at people who don't even exist. I'm ruminating over situations that stress me out and I just want to scream about them. I'm having an anxiety attack. I just want to shout several phrases that don't make sense and aren't complete sentences...

I don't even care that.... I just wish I could... I wouldn't even know where to... I'm not even... I can't believe.... if I knew this was.... I don't understand why they.... urrrrgh.

The thing that isn't different, is that I'm probably really tired. Instead of coming from an overloaded schedule, much of this is resulting from an overloaded sensory system. The last few days - regretfully I haven't been outside - have been so bright and sunny. Which I love. But it wears me out and overstimulates my eyes even though I'm still inside with the shades drawn. And its from having a constant migraine all week. It's relentless. I think I have good sleep and then I wake up with a migraine... and all the 'restfulness' goes out the window.

I'm ultra annoyed. I want to sleep. I want to stop hating. I know this isn't normal. I am completely aware that I'm just having an anxiety attack and that it could be from where I was stimulated with neurofeedback last week, could be partly due to being stimulated and not being on a mood stabilizer, could be due to legitimate concerns I have but haven't any reason to be thinking about them right now.

I am very aware that the way I am thinking is not the normal way that I think.

I have this feeling that if I just get up and make myself puke that the world will just get better. It's kind of like if you've had too much tequila and you can't sleep... but if you make yourself puke you'll feel better. I haven't had a drink in a long time - nor am I bulimic - but I feel like puking would somehow cleanse my mind/life of the garbage I'm ruminating over. I know it won't - so I never try it... it's just that internal feeling... and it might be hard to understand.

But I still want to tell people to F off. I want to fight and I want to scream and argue. I want to tell people how stupid they are and suggest ways they could be less stupid in the most demeaning ways possible. All to be spiteful and hurtful. And none of this I really, truly would do... even if given the chance. My blood is boiling and I'm short of breath... and this whole entry might make you think I'm a quack... but its so hard to explain the short-temper that seemingly calm and collected people can develop after having a concussion. Its so hard to even imagine a sweet little girl like me RIPPING APART seemingly caring individuals.

And I did this a lot in the first year of my accident. As I tweaked and reacted and screamed and cursed, I was completely sorry I was doing it... but would never admit it or hold back. Its been a while since I've been this heated.... this angry... this 'I want to tear the world into pieces' annoyed... But it happens. It happens to the best of us.

And I'm truly, truly sorry.

So I hope this post... if anything... just provides an insight into how real these mood swings can be... and how patient and accepting the family and caregivers of newly injured (and possibly those through long-term recoveries) might have to be if they see this kind of attitude in their loved one. Its hard enough on them as it is to knowingly be hurting you and yet not having the energy to hack it out and explain every nuance that's traumatizing their life to you. Try to understand that it usually has nothing to do with you... at least deep down at the root of the problem. And hopefully one day it improves and they apologize.


I just want to cry all over the place. Uggggh but if I hear the garbage truck today I'm going to freaking kill someone. Imbeciles! I need a hug :(